As always, thank you for all the responses to my previous newsletters, through comments, emails, and even in-person conversations. I value each and every one of them. đ»
To recap, in newsletter #10, (click the button below for a quick revisit)
We talked about Sigmund Freudâs way of approaching and understanding the human mind. We briefly talked about the kind of defense mechanisms we may use, even in our daily lives, that keep us from feeling uncomfortable emotions and allow us to vent them in a way that's socially acceptable.
Today, I want to talk some more about these uncomfortable emotions and the things we do to avoid feeling them, not from any psychologistâs perspective, but my own.
(I donât claim to know myself, or you, enough to say that what I talk about is scientific. This is going to be an attempt to help myself and hopefully, you, to try and understand ourselves better. Weâll do this one together.)
Letâs start with what we commonly understand by âFirst aidâ.
Itâs the immediate and the very first treatment given to a person who is suffering from any kind of injury.
Naturally, different injuries have different first aid treatments.
If you get a cut, you clean it with water, apply an antibiotic, and put on a bandaid. Why? To keep the wound from bleeding and getting infected. If you see someone get into an accident, you are advised to call emergency services and keep talking to the victim, check for any serious injuries, isolate a wound in case of heavy bleeding from arms, legs, or the stomach, and apply pressure on it.
We all know this. Weâve been taught this in schools. Our parents have rushed to us with cotton and Dettol when we showed up at home with a busted knee and scratches on our palms.
Then why do we not know what to do when we feel lonely or sad? When a friend calls you up and tells you that theyâre feeling like a failure in life? The most common response Iâve heard is âYouâre overthinking it. Itâs all in your headâ or âJust distract your mind. Watch something fun, or go outâ or âIt happens to everyone. Donât mind it too muchâ
How funny would it be if we saw someone break their leg and told them to âJust walk it off, itâs all in your legâ? Not funny at all, right?
We get psychological injuries much more easily than physical injuries. When an elder scolds you, you feel sad. When you are publicly reprimanded by a teacher or a boss, you feel ashamed. When you choke on your words while giving a big presentation or speech, you feel like a failure.
In my opinion, every difficult or uncomfortable emotion you feel is the result of a psychological injury caused in some situation. How we use our resources, provide ourselves with the necessary first aid, heal, and take the situation on as challenges, is entirely in our hands.
And yet we donât act on these injuries. We let them fester.
Why? My first guess is, we do this because we donât see the pain. We donât see a cut, or blood oozing from the wound, or someone fainting or barely staying conscious. And secondly, we have habits that we donât know are bad.
Let me give you an example.
I was giving a lot of interviews when I was looking for internships in my field. Iâd have 2-3 interviews almost every week, and after they got back to me with their results, Iâd compare the places and choose the best fit for me. Naturally, not all of them got back to me with positive results. That included a place that I really wished to work at. It was very closely related to the work I want to do in the future, including interaction with clients, and for a part-time job for a beginner, the pay was good.
After I realized that I didnât get the job, I felt dejected. I called a friend and told her everything. She said, âOf course. Who would let a BA graduate handle real clients even under supervision? And at your knowledge and skill level? You barely know things Shefali. Plus, in that interview, you were a train wreck. Anybody couldâve done better than thatâ
Now, youâd say, what kind of a friend says that? Right? What a terrible friend! âYou need better friends Shefaliâ, someone must probably be thinking that right about now.
But what if I told you, that the friend I talked to was my mind? Suddenly it all makes sense right? Why? Because we all do this.
We donât use first aid. Instead, we grab a butter knife and see how much deeper we can get the wound to go. It may not be as obvious as this every time. Sometimes we subtly criticize ourselves, put ourselves down, and call ourselves names. âWhy does this always have to happen to me?â, âWhy do they have it better than me?â, âItâs not fair that I have to go through thisâ
These kinds of tiny bad habits might be a deciding factor in your life later on. Larger incidents sometimes hold the power to shape you as a person, like the loss of a loved one, a job, a break-up, a huge lifestyle change that you just canât seem to adjust to, and a lot of it depends on your resilience or the way youâre able to bounce back in the face of adversity.
When you know how to ground yourself in critical situations, you tend to think clearer and act in a way that is helpful and healthy to you.
As I said, different injuries demand different first aids.
Similarly, every individual will also have different first aids. We need to create our personalized first aid kits because we know ourselves best.
For example, my psychological first aid kit consists of revisiting my 5 senses.
I see something I love (like dogs), I light a favorite candle because the smell calms me down, I drink water or eat something spicy because it allows me to vent my emotions, I listen to my favorite music or I simply sit in silence, listening to anything that the environment offers me, and I touch something soft and warm, like my sweater or my dogs. And sometimes, if I really donât have time for first aid, I simply take one deep breath and a step back from the situation.
My first aid kit, as the name suggests, only offers me immediate assistance after a psychological injury. It acts as a buffer time for me to collect my resources and heal that injury so I can take on the situation as a challenge.
Can you think back and point out the ways you use your first aid kit? If not, can you make a whole new kit? When you make your psychological first aid kit, remember that there will be trial and error.
A gentle reminder that you donât have to build everything you want in a day! âš
A piece of my story : (How I tackled my psychological wounds)
I do not know how this may work for some people, or rather anyone at all, but since you've addressed *mental first-aid*, I personally think the most basic version of first-aid you can give your mental is a thorough thought process. This includes acceptance (of what happened) -> processing (why it happened) -> action (what can you do about it). Sure, there are more complex methods to address an issue, and that not every problem can be solved through this method, but maybe, this puts you in a place where you can analyze for yourself and talk to your mind, come to conclusions and live a life you want.
*I felt this post was a lot closer to my heart, since I could re-visit my younger self's mind and put it in perspective with the mindset I have now. A very well written article & I am grateful you put this out.*
Love the concept of first aid kit! That if practiced well over time could turn yourself into your own nurse and may be your own doctor! Brilliant!
On other note:
Injuries and first aid may be a little negative perspective. The idea is perseverance and building yourself up. Then why not the concept of an athleteâs development with a training coach instead of injury and first aid.
How about tearing your muscles to build them up as a process and developing an athleteâs training kit?
That whole process is painful, injurious, dejecting to begin with but coach puts it in perspective and turns all those negatives into positive over time.
Just a thought for you to ponder đ€